I'm sure by now everyone has heard of Dave Ramsey. Last year for Christmas my husband received Dave Ramsey's book "Financial Peace". Within the first month of reading his book Brandon had me on a very strict budget. I must say at times I would get so frustrated being on this budget because I no longer had the freedom to spend my money on whatever I wanted (not needed). I never realized how much money I was spending on things that didn't matter at all. So now here we are, one year later and the debt snowball is gone! I am proud to say that we are now debt free!!!
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to free themselves of debt. It takes a lot of discipline but the contentment in the end is worth it!
Q: My wife thinks it's no holes barred when it comes to buying the presents for the kids. But money is tight this year and I don't see a reason to go into debt. How do we resolve this?
A: In most marriages, there is one who spends somewhat more and one who spends less. In lots of relationships, both tend to spend too much or both are tight with money. Sometimes each partner thinks the other is spending too much, but that's because each would spend more money on something different from the other. I mention all that because I think it's extra tricky when it's "for the kids." Most people who go overboard in spending will find it especially easy to do when it seems so justified. It's for the children, after all. So, this is tough and it's tough for a lot of couples.
There are a lot of times and places in life where a simple budget is much easier said than done. This is one of those areas where a simple budget has a pretty good chance of working if you both commit strongly to it. The key is planning together at a time when it's not in the middle of a potential "spending incident." Deciding what you are going to do about this, together, won't happen well out in the stores. Best to sit down and get this decided well before that time.
Here is a very specific plan. You could talk and modify it to your liking as a couple, or maybe even talk and just agree to it if it really seems to work for you both.
1. Sit down and talk.
2. Agree to a total amount you can truly afford to spend. If your spouse thinks it's higher than you think, bend a little. You'll be way ahead if you stick to a limit, even if it's a bit higher than one of you think is affordable. I said "a bit" though, not "a lot."
3. Divide that total amount by the number of children. Seems simple, I know, but if you set a hard limit in some way like this, you'll be less prone to play favorites with one that means you have to overspend to catch the other(s) up.
4. Once you have the amount, use an envelope system. Put the amount for each child in an envelop for each child. Cash. When it's gone, it's gone, and you both commit not to go over, no matter what. That will mean you have to stay under the amount, and likely have a few bucks for each child left-over to give to each child in the envelopes. Explain that some had a few more left over because their gifts cost a bit less.
5. Agree to do all the shopping together. Okay, some of you really will groan on that one, but I'm suggesting you make this a real, total, team thing. Make the choices together and stick to the plan.
There's a lot that can go wrong with even a simple plan, but if you both truly agree with a plan like this, you can avoid a lot of pain, anger, and, seriously, debt.
Q: We get in a fight every year about family expectations around the holidays. How do we avoid that?
A: Best idea: Talk. Talk again. Talk ahead of time. Talk when you are both at your best, and not when you are hungry, sleepy, or grinchy.
Worst idea: Avoid talking about it and see what happens.
It's really easy to avoid talks that are tricky, especially about things that have such complicated edges as families and expectations. Occasionally, that even works, but not most of the time, and not usually about issues that are going to come up no matter what. The holidays will come and go, whether or not the two of you have a plan. They will. Bet on it. Just check the calendar; the dates are right on there and they are not going away and all your relatives have the same dates. So, this one will each your lunch if you don't deal with it.
Find a time or two to sit down and talk when you are in a good mood. If you can, both of you agree ahead of time not only to find this time but to try to work together to figure this out as a team. Try these simple steps from a book I wrote with co-authors such as Howard Markman (12 Hours to Great Marriage).
1. Separate out discussing the issue from trying to solve it. Listen to each other first, and find out what's important to each of you in how you handle things. Listen, don't judge, and don't try to solve the problem at first. That comes after listening carefully.
2. Brainstorm. Come up with all sorts of ideas, and write them down. Anything at all can be suggested and don't judge the ideas. Just get a bunch of them out there.
3. Work through the ideas and see if there is a combination of ideas that the two of you can work on together to make a complete solution that you both agree ought to help this year.
Lastly, realize that even if you do all this well, things will come up. You may even have a relative or two who tries to get the two of you to do something other than what the two of agree on. It's time to have each other's back. Defend, as a team, like two ninjas fighting back to back, the decisions the two of you have made in order to bring peace to your relationship this holiday season!
Q: We are engaged and are spending the holidays together - how do we decide her family or mine? Or maybe "How do we start our own traditions as a couple"
A: Welcome to the rest of your holiday lives together. This is a great question, because you are anticipating that what the two of you do this year may start a pattern. If your families live far apart, you are already in the tricky territory of having to choose one. If, for example, Christmas is really important in both families, picking Christmas for one and New Years for the other isn't really going to be all that satisfying. The crux of it is that you are already, with your new commitment to the future, into navigating a really challenging issue for many couples. If you just plain can't be at both, like Christmas Eve for one and Christmas day for the other, you'll have to talk carefully together and choose, and maybe tell the other family that your plan is to go there the next year. Something like that signal your intention to alternate and include both families in your plans in the future. While some couples have no easy answer on this, most couples could decide this year to choose based on which family would have the hardest time coping without seeing you both on the key holiday days.
If you do live in the same town, things get easier, but not easy. Let's make an example of Christmas again, but you could insert other holidays into this logic. Suppose your family almost always "celebrates" together on Christmas Eve and his on Christmas Day. That's pretty obvious and easy. If both families have a tradition that focuses on the same time of day, you'll have to talk it over with one of the two families, and see if they would be willing to shift to accommodate your relationship. Again, it's time to get used to the future, so this is not a bad thing at all. Probably the smaller family or the family that has less going during their get-together time is the one that should shift.
If both families tend to celebrate the same time of day on a holiday, and you do live in the same town, the other options that works quite well is to split the time. Show up one place, hang out, be with family, and then give your adios and head off to the other.
One way or another, what's most important is that the two of you have a plan and agree on it, and stick to it. Be supportive of each other and do your best with what is now part of your future together! And since the only thing you both have control over is your commitment to each other, into the future, do what makes the most sense to the two of you as a couple. You are starting some traditions for your own relationship now.
Q: How do I bring up Holiday plans to my boyfriend? He hasn't mentioned them, but I am wondering will I meet his parents? Is he expecting to meet mine?
A: I have a serious question, first. Do you really just want to know or do you want to know about how he's thinking in terms of where this relationship is heading? Probably what you do - or at least, how you interpret what you do and what he does - depends on the answer to that question.
You have two ways to go, actually three, but I don’t like the third very much:
1) Wait and see what happens, and decide what you think it means.
2) Bring up the issue and talk about what you'd like to see happen.
3) Hint around about it, and see if he picks up on your thoughts and concerns.
Idea Number One: If you wait and see what he does, you're watching to see if he brings it up. Does he? Does he show interest in having you meet his family or does he seem to want to do the holiday season almost as singled, when it comes to family? The latter could tell you that he's not as into you as you are into him, or that he is embarrassed in someway about his family, or that he's just as far along as you are in thought about where the relationship is going. If he does not bring it up and you think he should, this could trigger a more important talk about defining the relationship, and talking about what it is now and maybe even where you want it to go - and see what you learn from that.
Idea Number Two: The second idea is to talk with him about it. If you go this way (and it's what may work out best), you should pick a good time for bringing it up - a time when he is able to pay attention and nothing else is going on that is all that distracting for either of you. Then, just bring it up. Something like this would work: "Hey, I've been wondering if I should have you meet my parents, sometime over the holidays. Have you thought about how we're going to handle things with our families?" This way, you get out there about what you are thinking, without being tricky, but you leave plenty of room for him to open up about what he's been thinking or what he's starting to think now that you raised the issue. You'll likely learn something about the relationship by what he says, and even better, if the talk goes really well, the two of you will be working on a plan for the holidays that will likely relieve a lot of stress for both of you.
The third option is to hint but not be direct. I think that one is the least good of the three options. Hinting around but not being direct is not all that fair. He may misread your hints or otherwise just fail the test that your hints imply, but since you were not being clear, the information you get from him about his thoughts likely will also be unclear. Also, it's pretty unsatisfying to have to lead your partner into a response you'd hope they'd make on their own. It's a lot more satisfying to talk about what you think and want, and see if the two of you can make a plan about it.
Q: I have been dating my current girlfriend for about four months. Do I buy her a present? And how do I know she'll get me one?
A: By four months, most people are starting to think a relationship is pretty serious, especially if you both understand this relationship as exclusive. Do you get her a present? It’s hard to imagine any downside to doing so and it's easy to imagine a downside to not doing so. I would bet that she’s gotten you one already or will be getting you one. However, she very well may wait to see what you do.
There are a couple ways you could do this. One, you could just do it. (More on that in a moment.)
Two, you could talk to her about it. Either of these strategies is likely a lot better than not dealing with it, at all. If you talk to her, you could say something like this: "Susie. (of course, use her real name!) I've been thinking it would be nice to get you a present for the holidays, but I wanted to make sure you were okay with that." She'll likely say, "Sure, I'd love that." She could say, "Why wouldn't it be okay?" In that case, just say something like, "Well, I just wanted to be sure that I was not doing something that you were not comfortable with. I really like you a lot and didn't want to presume." It’s pretty hard to imagine that backfiring. If you two got into a really good talk about it, you could even do like some siblings do, and clarify how much each would spend so one doesn't spend a whole lot more than the other.
If you just get her a present without talking, or if you talk but you don't clarify how much you'll each spend, pick a reasonably priced present. Likely best if it's personal and something you are pretty sure she'd like; I would not recommend a gift card for someone you are dating. Don't spend so much that she's likely to be uncomfortable or feel she didn't spend enough. Holiday time of year is a particularly good time for something that's personal and romantic.
Bottom line? Don't do nothing. Do something. You are very likely going to be glad that you did.
Help with the emotions around the holidays typically focuses on the “Holiday Blues”, but there is very little press regarding the tension and conflicts that erupt during this time of year. Relationships are like the proverbial canary in the mine shafts, in that they are the first to be affected by stress and tension. When we are upset we typically don’t snap at our friends or coworkers, it all comes out towards our spouse or intimate partner. Although this is intended to be a time of joy and celebration the holidays bring stress, which in turn gets dumped in our relationships.
The explanation for why the holidays create stress is very simple. Stress is another way of saying demand. When you place high demands on an engine or heavy loads on a piece of architecture you can also say you are placing stress on the engine or the building, the word is interchangeable. The same is true for our emotions, when there are demands on us emotionally we feel it as stress. What’s interesting from an emotional point of view is that the demands can be positive or negative, it does not matter. Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired.
Armed with this new understanding it should becomes obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas can be filled with stress, because of the added demands created by these celebrations. Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure.
Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all the common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues. Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict.
So what should be done? What can be done? Skipping the holidays may come to mind, but it is not really a valid option. The next best answer is to practice staying out of each other’s emotional upset. This technique is called monologing.
There are 7 essential communication skills taught at Help Talking, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other’s stress. The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive. When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better. Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board it will give you a safe place to discharge.
One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is taking and who is listening. Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared. The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying. If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood.
This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done. Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how. A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping in reactivity or defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out get online and find a professional who understand the art of monologing and keep your holidays and your relationship joyful.
Help with the emotions around the holidays typically focuses on the “Holiday Blues”, but there is very little press regarding the tension and conflicts that erupt during this time of year. Relationships are like the proverbial canary in the mine shafts, in that they are the first to be affected by stress and tension. When we are upset we typically don’t snap at our friends or coworkers, it all comes out towards our spouse or intimate partner. Although this is intended to be a time of joy and celebration the holidays bring stress, which in turn gets dumped in our relationships. The explanation for why the holidays create stress is very simple. Stress is another way of saying demand. When you place high demands on an engine or heavy loads on a piece of architecture you can also say you are placing stress on the engine or the building, the word is interchangeable. The same is true for our emotions, when there are demands on us emotionally we feel it as stress. What’s interesting from an emotional point of view is that the demands can be positive or negative, it does not matter. Getting married can produce as much stress as getting fired. Armed with this new understanding it should becomes obvious why Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas can be filled with stress, because of the added demands created by these celebrations. Gifts, meals, visiting relatives, and extra cleaning all produce added pressure. Tension, frustration, irritation, and a general lack of patience are all the common reactions to stress. Without an emotional cushion our tolerance level drops and before we know it we are snapping at each other over trivial issues. Our partner is unfortunately just as stressed as we are and their reaction is to snap back, which sets off conflict. So what should be done? What can be done? Skipping the holidays may come to mind, but it is not really a valid option. The next best answer is to practice staying out of each other’s emotional upset. This technique is called monologing. There are 7 essential communication skills taught at Help Talking, from loving to problem solving, but the one most relevant to the season is learning how to stay out of each other’s stress. The key idea here is that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship at a time. By only having one person venting their stress at a time it prevents a relationship from feeding off negativity and becoming explosive. When your partner is stressed and you remain calm, it gives them a chance to dissipate their energy and feel better. Likewise, when you are venting and your intimate can remain a neutral sounding board it will give you a safe place to discharge. One simple technique for creating a constructive monologue is find an object like a tissue box or a pillow and allow that to signify who is taking and who is listening. Hold on to the pillow as long as you need in order to say everything that needs to be shared. The other person can and should make comments, but all the remarks should be focused on supporting what the person with the pillow is saying. If the person with the pillow is repeating themselves, it is because he/she does not feel heard, and the listener (the one without the pillow) will need to redouble their efforts to let the speaker know he/she is being heard and understood. This maybe one of those situations where it is easier said than done. Learning to monologue can take some practice and know how. A relationship coach or a marriage counselor can really assist by stopping in reactivity or defensiveness and keep the monologue focused and productive. Before your next blow out get online and find a professional who understand the art of monologing and keep your holidays and your relationship joyful.
Me and Michelle at a 2007 Christmas party! Festive!
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