Q: My husband and I hardly have sex any more -- just once every few months. He works long hours and says he's too tired and that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage anyway. Is something else really going on?
A: You are wondering what's happening in your marriage. It's very disconcerting when you are not clear about what's going on. Then the doubt comes and makes you create all kinds of scenarios in your head, and possibly in your heart. It's well known that sex is one of the most common areas that couples disagree on, sooner or later. Different people have different expectations, needs, desires and ways of experiencing sex in a marriage, especially after being in a relationship for a while. What matters is that you make the time and space to talk with your husband about your concerns. In addition, it is crucial that you listen openly to his perspective. This means, not just his words but also his behavior and tone while discussing this topic.
There may be a variety of reasons why you are not having sex more often. These may vary from physical to emotional or even spiritual reasons. Sex in a long-term committed relationship is not limited to intercourse. It also includes many other aspects of your relationship. It involves the way you look at each other and treat each other throughout the day. In reality, what most of us need in a relationship is the ability to be “intimate with each other”. Intimacy is not limited to the physical aspect of having intercourse. It also involves the ability to be emotionally open to each other and feel safe. Some people describe intimacy as “into-me-see”. Therefore, to be intimate, we need to risk and trust. “Risk” to open myself to you and become vulnerable. “Trust” that you will accept me and embrace me for who I am. When those elements are present, you have a solid foundation. This foundation provides you with great fulfillment and the ability to tackle any difficulty that may come your way.
The important issue then is, how is your relationship with your husband in other areas? Are you able to experience intimacy with each other? Do you have the opportunity to spend time together without anybody else (especially the children) on a regular basis to strengthen your connection? Lack of sex could be just one symptom that your connection needs more attention. Some specific things that could be helpful to strengthen your relationship are:
It’s a very good sign that you are wanting more out of your marriage. You both deserve the best. Now it’s in your hands to make it happen.
By: Ana Morante, LMFT, CFLE
Q: Why are there so few "datable" people over 40 ... and how do you find one of the few good ones?
A: Finding a good "datable" person who is over 40 is like finding a four-leaf clover, the treasure at the end of a rainbow, or an awesome Easter egg in an open field. Not impossible, just challenging!
The average age of first marriage is generally increasing (about 27 - 28 in most studies). Beyond that age there is a law of diminishing returns. A person who is single beyond the average age of marriage is likely very busy building a career, may enjoy being single, may have experienced one or more negative romantic relationship experiences that has caused a distrust of others or of the institution of marriage, may be in an institution, or may for other reasons be unavailable for dating or may be commitment-phobic.
It appears that in our American culture, the period of adolescence is expanding into the mid to late twenties. This is often considered prime time for practicing dating skills. As adolescence encroaches later into life, many men and women are delaying marriage or other relationship commitments, such as child-bearing. By the end of their twenties and into their thirties, most people are starting to face the social clock that challenges them to conform to the activities in which most people their age are engaging. Specifically, they are starting to settle into their careers, their relationships, and their new families.
Individuals who enter into their forties having never “settled down” are rare. They exist, yet there are likely a variety of reasons for not having “sealed the deal.” Others may be “newly single” as they enter into their forties and beyond.
Now, to the most important part of the question: how do you find one of the few good ones? The answer, simply put, is to be one of the good one!
Instead of looking FOR “the right one,” we must BE that person. In other words, we need to be as emotionally/relationally healthy as we can possibly be. We must turn inward to identify a realistic and positive sense of self, we need to engage in any repair work that may be necessary (we are each the product of our history, and we don’t have to be prisoners of that history), we need to begin to trust (only people who are trust-worthy) and we must begin to risk in order to explore the potential of intimacy in relationships.
In the process of personal growth and relational development, we being to use our basic skills of speaking up for our needs (assertiveness), listening to others (empathy), and finding solutions that work for those involved by cooperating and negotiating. If we don’t have those skills, we should find ways of developing and practicing those skills: practice makes better. There are many excellent books, curricula, classes, groups, and programs that exist for that very purpose.
In summary, if we look for love, we’ll likely look in all the wrong places. If we look inward and appreciate our strengths, acknowledge our weaknesses, and seek to become the best we can be through relationship skills development, we will likely engage in behaviors that bring personal joy and happiness into our lives, we will feel more energized, we will develop a realistic and positive sense of self, and we will make ourselves available for healthier friendships.
It may be that from that open field of healthier friendships may emerge the diamond in the rough, the four-leaf clover, the beautifully decorated Easter egg, or that treasure at the end of the rainbow! I wish you well – I wish you love.
Joseph L. Hernandez, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist
Family Wellness Associates
www.familywellness.com
Q: We've been married for years. How do you keep the spark alive when you've tried everything?
A: Keeping the spark in our relationship after many years of marriage is a goal that many people have, but very few are able to achieve. The daily routine, everyday challenges, and constant stressors take time and energy away from our main relationship. It is easy to get stuck there and one day realize that we have grown so far apart from each other that it’s even hard to recognize who my partner is today.
Marriage is not an event, it is a process, and we need to nurture it on a regular (daily) basis. As human beings, all of us are constantly changing, and part of keeping "the spark alive" is to communicate to our spouse "Who I am today" and "What is going on in my life now." The skill of "speaking up" about who I am and what are my needs now is actually a gift that we give to our spouse, to invite them into our inner world.
At the same time, we need to have the skill of "listening" to our spouse and to encourage him/her to tell us about what their needs are. To the extent that we are able to open up, to accept and embrace our spouse for who he/she is, we will be able to build closeness and intimacy. These are key elements of keeping the spark in our relationship. Doing this may also require from us to keep an attitude of cooperation, knowing that when our needs don't match, the best deal is the one that works for both us.
When we are able to cooperate with each other in balancing our needs, we convey love, acceptance and affirmation of each of us as individuals and of both of us as a couple. One very helpful way to make this a reality is by having weekly dates with your spouse. This is an opportunity to keep the focus on the two of you and to have some fun. Research shows that couples that have fun together tend to experience greater enjoyment in their long-term relationship. During these dates, put the problems aside. This is not a "problem-solving time," it's just a well-deserved respite you get with each other. Elizabeth Scott, M.S., in her article about "Maintaining a Happy Marriage," adds other helpful tips like, "trying new things together" and "participating actively in each other's lives." The main idea is to recognize that your spouse is one of your greatest gifts, and you can enjoy it every day!
In addition, we know that relationships go through cycles. Initially, it's the honeymoon stage, when everything feels "just perfect." Then comes a discovery stage, when we start recognizing our differences. A third one is the evaluation stage, when we are questioning if this is still the right relationship for me. Finally, we get to a recommitment stage during which we realize that in spite of our differences and challenges, we want to stay in this relationship. Many times that realization takes us back to the honeymoon stage. In a long-term relationship, couples may go through this cycle many times. It is important to recognize what stage you see yourself in your relationship (sometimes each partner is in a different stage) and what can you do to keep your connection alive.
Remember: to keep your relationship strong and fun is daily work. The more each of you shows up for yourself and for each other, the more you can keep that fire alive!
dan
This video talks about the importance of protecting your marriage relationship while balancing other important friendships.
This video talks about the process a couple must go through to reestablish trust after losing it in their relationship.
This video discusses the process a couple goes through when infidelity has scarred the relationship.
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