Most Recent Blog Posts
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he is in the army. he is in the army.
- From: katelyn
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Description:
He is going away this summer, and is going to be deployed eventually. I am one of those people who hates being alone, and i need security... I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he means the world to me.. but i am young.. i dont want to waste my prime years of my life, and us not working out because of his "life style" ... i support him completey just dont know how to deal with all of this... what should i do..
- Blog post
- 5 days ago
- Views: 15
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Do you still love your parents Do you still love your parents/in-laws?
- From: dhub
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Description:
There are many movies and television shows that portray parents of adults as meddling, annoying, and obnoxious folks who we seldom want to be around. For instance, if you had ever watched episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond (http://www.everybodylovesray.com/), you would have seen Ray’s mother Marie meddling while she regularly had strained relations with Ray and his wife Debra. Marie also meddled quite regularly with many facets of her adult son Robert’s life.
According to the media, parents are always annoying, right?
I say, “Wrong!”
Now I enjoy these shows as much as the next person, but I have so many positive feelings about my parents and in-laws, and not many negative ones. Some of our greatest memories have been made with either mine or my wife’s parents. So that begs the questions:
- What do our parents do to make our relationships so healthy?
- What do my wife and I do to contribute to these relationships?
First of all, our parents truly keep an open mind and listen to our opinions, feelings, and ideas. In other words they rarely judge us for our life choices, even when they may disagree with them. This is a two-way process, for we also reserve judgment on them. This can be tricky when we have close relationships because we see the “bad” with the “good” when we spend so much time together. I believe part of not judging loved ones comes in focusing on the “good” while letting the “bad” be forgotten.
Secondly, our parents are not afraid to try new things with us such as restaurants, movies, Mp3 players (Our parents own iPods™, although they often need me to help me fix them) or even cities. Once, my wife and I were taking a weekend drive when we saw a sign for Las Vegas. On an impulse, we chose to take the 7 hour drive. Before we left, we called up her parents, and they took the journey with us. We struggled to find lodging and we came home exhausted, but I will never forget the fun we had together.
Finally, we make it a point to take an interest in each other’s hobbies and passions. My wife’s parents are avid bird watchers, and now I can pick out a variety birds. My father loves leather works, and now my wife and I are proud owners of a belt and purse. My mother loves reading, so we will often be found discussing a book, the news, or politics. Not only do we learn new things from each other, we also grow closer as family and friends.
So here is my question for you:
What do you do to make relationships with your parents better?
- Blog post
- 1 week ago
- Views: 66
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Family Blitz! Family Blitz!
- From: dhub
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Description:
If your partners love Football, I think they may enjoy this.
The other day while watching a game I started thinking about the many skills Quarterbacks need such as an excellent throwing motion, a quick release time, and quality footwork. However, a quarterback can excel in all of these skills yet never succeed beyond high school if he (or she) fails at reading and reacting to an opponent’s defensive cues.
For example, a team’s Defense may give the appearance that they are going to blitz the Offense. In other words, they sneak a few extra players up towards the line to give the impression they are sending an all out attack on that poor Quarterback. So a Quarterback reads the blitz and prepares for it, only to find out it was misread as he throws the ball into double coverage and the ball is intercepted. Who is to get credit for this game changer? Do we blame the Quarterback for reading the cues, or the Defense for sending the cues? It is usually both.
How does this relate to families?
Often times, I feel that we, as family members, fake blitzes and send our own mixed cues to loved ones, be it a partner, a child, or a parent. We often fail to truly read a partner’s cues and we end up in fights that are quite costly for relationships.
How many of us have been in long fights where we struggle to remember what started them? My theory is that some, if not most of these come from misread cues.
For example, many times early in our marriage, my wife has heard me sigh, and she will ask if I’m upset. I usually get annoyed with the question and say “No!” with a sarcastic tone. In these situations we would then get into a heated argument about how she or I need to stop sending mixed signals. After things have calmed down, we talk about this and ask questions such as “What did you mean when you said this?” or “How would you like me to react when you sigh?”
The experts may call this metacommunication or perspective-taking, and this basically means talking about talking. This has helped my wife and I learn to read each other’s cues much better than at the beginning our relationship.
In football, you should review tapes (videos) from past games to you find out when you misread cues on the field of play. As family members, we may need to find calmer moments to look back on fights or disagreements, and we can use those discussions to become better senders and readers of each others’ cues. Who knows? Perhaps, instead of throwing that painful interception, you’ll hit the open receiver and score a touchdown.
…I mean, instead of getting all riled up about a dirty look you think your teenager gave, you can save that “fighting” time to visit with them, perhaps about football.
dan
- Blog post
- 3 weeks ago
- Views: 79
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Keeping the Spark in Your Marr Keeping the Spark in Your Marriage
- From: Married
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Description:
Q: We've been married for years. How do you keep the spark alive when you've tried everything?
A: Keeping the spark in our relationship after many years of marriage is a goal that many people have, but very few are able to achieve. The daily routine, everyday challenges, and constant stressors take time and energy away from our main relationship. It is easy to get stuck there and one day realize that we have grown so far apart from each other that it’s even hard to recognize who my partner is today.
Marriage is not an event, it is a process, and we need to nurture it on a regular (daily) basis. As human beings, all of us are constantly changing, and part of keeping "the spark alive" is to communicate to our spouse "Who I am today" and "What is going on in my life now." The skill of "speaking up" about who I am and what are my needs now is actually a gift that we give to our spouse, to invite them into our inner world.
At the same time, we need to have the skill of "listening" to our spouse and to encourage him/her to tell us about what their needs are. To the extent that we are able to open up, to accept and embrace our spouse for who he/she is, we will be able to build closeness and intimacy. These are key elements of keeping the spark in our relationship. Doing this may also require from us to keep an attitude of cooperation, knowing that when our needs don't match, the best deal is the one that works for both us.
When we are able to cooperate with each other in balancing our needs, we convey love, acceptance and affirmation of each of us as individuals and of both of us as a couple. One very helpful way to make this a reality is by having weekly dates with your spouse. This is an opportunity to keep the focus on the two of you and to have some fun. Research shows that couples that have fun together tend to experience greater enjoyment in their long-term relationship. During these dates, put the problems aside. This is not a "problem-solving time," it's just a well-deserved respite you get with each other. Elizabeth Scott, M.S., in her article about "Maintaining a Happy Marriage," adds other helpful tips like, "trying new things together" and "participating actively in each other's lives." The main idea is to recognize that your spouse is one of your greatest gifts, and you can enjoy it every day!
In addition, we know that relationships go through cycles. Initially, it's the honeymoon stage, when everything feels "just perfect." Then comes a discovery stage, when we start recognizing our differences. A third one is the evaluation stage, when we are questioning if this is still the right relationship for me. Finally, we get to a recommitment stage during which we realize that in spite of our differences and challenges, we want to stay in this relationship. Many times that realization takes us back to the honeymoon stage. In a long-term relationship, couples may go through this cycle many times. It is important to recognize what stage you see yourself in your relationship (sometimes each partner is in a different stage) and what can you do to keep your connection alive.
Remember: to keep your relationship strong and fun is daily work. The more each of you shows up for yourself and for each other, the more you can keep that fire alive!
- Blog post
- 4 weeks ago
- Views: 618
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Surviving February as a Single Surviving February as a Single Person
- From: Dating
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Description:
Q: Being single is hard during February. What are some ideas to make it through this single-unfriendly month?
A: February is known as the month of "love and friendship." It's true that, for the most part, we think of it as the month of romantic love. However, that is just one expression of love. Many times we get trapped in societal expectations and norms. If we are not in a romantic relationship, we may feel that there is something wrong with us. In reality, we can be in a loving relationship all the time. The first loving relationship should be "with ourselves." We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
In a romantic relationship, the key is not in "finding the right partner," but in "BEING the right partner." Being the right partner means that we are able to experience love in many different ways. We can accept and embrace ourselves for who we are. We can make good choices for ourselves. We respect ourselves and we teach others how to respect us. This is not a selfish thing. If we don’t have much inside of ourselves, there is not much we can give others. Remember what they say in an airplane: "In case of emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first…"
You can use this month as an opportunity to show yourself more clearly the love that is inside of you. In addition, it is very important to have strong connections with others (even if it is not a romantic connection). This is also your opportunity to show whoever is closer to you (a friend, relative, co-worker, etc.) how much you appreciate them and to strengthen your relationship with them. Research shows that a strong, loving connection protects us from physical and emotional disease and improves resilience. In general, the key about love is not how much we "receive it," but how much we "give it." Let’s go out there and shower ourselves and others with the love we have inside.
- Blog post
- 4 weeks ago
- Views: 107
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Keeping Romance After Kids Keeping Romance After Kids
- From: Parents
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Description:
Q: It's hard to be romantic with the kids around. What are some ways we could incorporate romance with the kids in the house?
A: Children are a wonderful blessing and a source of joy for many of us, but not necessarily the type of joy that will lead us to romance. In fact, their constant demands for attention, affection and care are the elements that can pull us apart easier than anything else. Research shows that marital satisfaction decreases significantly with the arrival of the first child. In addition, the lack of support that many parents experience in America while raising their children makes it harder for the couple to keep the romance in their relationship. Other cultures more frequently experience the benefit of an extended support system, which allows more time for the couple to enjoy each other.
Some ideas that could help strengthen the romance in your relationship are:
• Put your couple's needs first. When the couple relationship is alive and strong, everyone in the family does better.
• Start romancing each other in front of the children. Romance goes far beyond sexual exchanges. It includes looks, touch, words, gestures, phone calls, e-mails, notes in the lunch box, flowers for no reason, etc. It is a way to tell your spouse what they mean to you and how much you enjoy them. Use every opportunity you have to communicate to your spouse your love and dedication. This is a wonderful modeling for your children. There is nothing more reassuring for a child than to witness the love and care that his/her parents have for each other. Leave the next part of the romancing for later.
• Put the children to bed at a reasonable time (according to their age), which will allow for some adult time in the intimacy of your home.
• Go on dates with your spouse on a weekly basis, if possible. Use this time as an opportunity to have fun with each other (rather than talking about "problems" or "important issues").
• Go on trips with your spouse, even if it's weekend trips. This will remind you of the time you had before the children arrived.
• Build support systems for childcare. We recognize that childcare is a major concern for many parents. In fact, many parents do not have adults they can trust to leave their children with even for a couple of hours to go on a date. Getting familiar with other parents who have children that are of a similar age to yours (through day care, school, church, sport activities) will allow you to take turns caring for each other's children. These should be people that you and your children can trust and feel safe with. This can result in not only you having fun when you go out, but your children can enjoy a play date at the same time!
Life is short. Make every moment count! Treat today as if it's your ONLY day and opportunity to be with your spouse. - Blog post
- 4 weeks ago
- Views: 128
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My Life since Marriage My Life since Marriage
- From: beccawoodside06
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Description:
My life has changed many ways since i decided to get married. I love everything about being married and all the changes it has brought. No i do not have a perfect relationship with my husband, we are both human and we both make mistakes. Every relationships has its ups and downs some just more than others. my husband and i used to fight quite often but nothing too drastic just little arguments. Once I looked back at those little arguments I have come to realize that they are over the stupidest things that could've been avoided if one of us hadn't over reacted. I realize that I do over react more than i should, I do make mistakes, and i am a little controling, but over the years i have tried to change and i do believe that i have changed some. i still need to work on the over reacting part though. my husband and i eat out quite often and we finally had a discussion about it very calmly and best of all WE DIDN'T FIGHT!!!! We had a discussion that didnt involve yelling and screaming and it felt great. we decided that we are going to cook at home and make a date night once a week where we can eat out and just go on a date.... that is if we can find a sitter. So far it has worked out great and we are saving money! Our son Ethan is almost 18 months,it is so amazing to watch him grow, its amazing to see all the new things he learns and picks up on. He spends most the day with the sitter but as soon as i get home i always make sure he knows 100% that i love him with all my heart. He is so smart just like his daddy and i love them both so much, they are my life.
- Blog post
- 4 weeks ago
- Views: 39
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My Husband Wants a Bikini Mode My Husband Wants a Bikini Model
- From: Lukester
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Description:
Former swimsuit model Elin Nordegren has reportedly avoided the limelight, despite the fact that she is married to the Athlete of the Decade, Tiger Woods. But with recent discoveries of Tiger’s multiple affairs, Elin couldn’t be grabbing more media attention.
It is saddening when we hear of shattered marriages and shattered homes, but for some the celebrity gossip brings to mind other questions for us. Elin Nordegren is, by our cultural standards, a beautiful woman. Some would ask Tiger why he would seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere having married a woman like her?
The very question shows our culture’s premium placed on physical beauty, or at least certain physical standards. I receive hundreds of emails and comments from men who confess their habitual use of pornography, how countless hours of staring at pixilated sex has molded their conception of beauty.
We’ve also heard from hundreds of women who wonder why they are not enough for their porn-viewing husbands. We hear, “I’ll never measure up to porn standards.” This drives some women to reach for physical standards only attainable by anorexia, breast-enhancement, and photographic airbrushing. For others this only leads to despair and giving up on the hope of intimacy with their husbands.
But Elin’s sad story should be instructive to frustrated wives everywhere. Becoming a Swedish bikini model is not the solution to your husband’s porn problem.
Of course, it is commendable to take care of our bodies. It only makes sense that we want to be attractive to our spouses. It only makes sense that we should seek sexual satisfaction in marriage. But becoming your husband’s unrealistic dream girl does not cure a deeply-rooted fixation on pornography.
- Blog post
- 1 month ago
- Views: 140
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Quality Time Together versus C Quality Time Together versus Cabin Fever
- From: dhub
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Description:
Do you ever get those winter news reports that tell you to stay home because the roads are dangerous? I suppose you folks in Florida, Hawaii, or Southern California may struggle to relate, but perhaps you’ll humor me on this one. I’m typing this while outside our small house there is plenty of snow and ice to keep our cars parked for another day, and we have been in here since Thursday evening. However, we still have electric power, internet, and heat, so we are quite comfortable compared with other victims of the weather.
This is actually the second time that my wife and I have been “stranded” this winter, and to be quite honest, we have to fight the urge to brave the treacherous icy roads during times like these. Cabin fever can get the best of us, especially when we cancelled cable TV one year ago.
So I felt this was an appropriate topic because I’m sure we aren’t the only ones who find ourselves in this situation. Perhaps a list of homebound activities are needed to help us all cope with the situation, have fun, and improve our family relationships at the same time.
The following is a list of snowbound/homebound activities:
- Clean the house. I’d suggest no more than an hour above the usual cleaning because although productivity is nice, having fun is important as well.
- Put a puzzle together. This is perfect for when your power goes out, but you may want to lower the difficulty of a puzzle if you have bad lighting.
- Go on a picture-taking walk. Get a cheap tripod and camera leave them by the door. You never know when the perfect scenery can be in your front yard. Perhaps the Holiday Card you made comes from a picture taken in January. I’ve got good feelings about the picture I took Friday night.
- Make hot chocolate or cider. When you’re cold, this just feels right. J Maybe there is another special winter treat you make as a family. I hear some folks really love snow ice cream.
- Write in your journal together. If you journal separately, that’s fine, and perhaps that’s needed from time to time, but what if you set aside a day where you both agree to write an entry and then share it? Maybe you ask each family member to edit that entry to fit their own perspective of the day. By doing this, you not only share your feelings, but you get to see your partner’s and/or children’s feelings as well. It could be a great connecting moment.
- Build a snow fort, have a snow ball fight, or build a snowman. Now if you hate the cold, this may not be for you, but if you love the cold be sure to dress appropriately. Some of my best memories as a kid were made in battle on our side yard covered with snow.
- Your thoughts or ideas. I’m sure some of you have some great ideas that could help us all. Please share them in the comments section.
- Blog post
- 1 month ago
- Views: 193
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Empty Nest Empty Nest
- From: Married
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Description:
Q: Our daughter is graduating this May. How can my spouse and I can reconnect after years of focusing our energy on our daughter?
A: Congratulations. That's a major life achievement, getting a child lauched well in life. Many couples find that they have spent so much time raising their children (and paying the bills and doing everything else) that they have gotten rusty in how to play together and enjoy time together. Others find this transition super easy, and just step it up a notch in terms of time together doing things they like to do. If you are rusty at hanging out together, it's worth sitting down a time or two (or three or four) and just brainstorming about some things the two of you could start doing that you both would find enjoyable. Try not to put a lot of pressure on yourselves. Instead, go for slow and steady movements in the direction of more fun and friendship type time together. Plan to try some things that you've never tried before but also plan some things that have always been good bets for the two of you to enjoy. This could also include really simple things like trying a little harder to take a walk together a few times a week or to watch a favorite, funny TV show together (laughing together is good for you).
The tricky part is actually making some increased time together really happen. That may mean deciding that you are going to go out (or stay in, or whatever) and be together one night a week, every week, for hanging-out time. You could also "plan" to take turns each week making something small, but spontaneous happen between the two of you. "Hey Honey, let's make some chocolate chip cookies together tonight, and eat them while we watch NCIS." Spring a backrub on your mate. Go to bed early - like way before you are going to be sleepy.Here's a tip. As you make more time here and there for being together, make these times "off limits" for conflict or the need to deal with issues. That's one of the most important things we recommend to couples in the books my colleagues and I have written for couples (like Fighting for Your Marriage). Deal with issues or hassles at other times so that you make it emotionally safe and relaxed during the times you've planned to enjoy being together. Agree to just "table" or "shelf" issues you can get back to it later. That makes it more likely that you'll keep making these positive times together happen.
Here's a key to go with the other ideas here. Don't try to change a zillion things at once. Don't try to spend hours and hours together doing amazing things when you've not been doing for years - or have never done before. (Of course, at times, knock yourselves out.) Aim for some steps in the right direction, but be reasonable. The most important thing is to get some things moving that increase you positive time together. Crazy big expectations about what you'll change lead to crazy big disappointments. The key is just to get thigns moving. You've got plenty of time to figure out how this is all going to work in the years to come.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 229
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Be a Better Parent in 2010 Be a Better Parent in 2010
- From: Parents
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Description:
Q: It's 2010 and my New Year's resolution is to be a better parent. How do I keep that promise not only to my kids, but to myself?
A: I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, because so many people have trouble following through with them. However, you certainly picked a worthy one. I think these resolutions only work when they are very specific and very clear and very doable. Therefore, to follow through on this one, I'd think about something really simple that is under your control that you feel strongly that, in regularly doing it, you'd be meeting your goal of being a better parent in this year to come. For example (and this really is just an example to make my point): You could decide to keep a calendar where you will check off one time each week where you made the time to play a board game with one or all of your children. Maybe you have a couple of children who really like the board game Sorry (of course, it will be something different next year, or later this year, but you get the idea). Commit to find the time, one time each week, to play Sorry or some similar game with them. Or, if they prefer sports, find 15 minutes each week to do something like shooting baskets with your children. Whatever you decide to do - and a mix of things is a nice idea - focus on a very reasonable amount of time and make a check mark on the calendar on each week that you get it done. If you miss a week, don't start trying to make up for it in the next week. Just keep with the plan, and try to do something like this each week.
The key is picking some small amount of time doing something that you have good reason to believe connects you a bit more with your children. If you plan on something too big, like spending two hours a week with each child doing some very special activity, you are toast. You will not be able to do that and you'll just end up feeling like you failed. Smaller but regular stuff beats large and never done. Whatever you decide to try, hold yourself accountable; maybe ask a friend or your spouse to help you stay accountable to the goal. If you do most of what you plan, even on a very modest goal, you will have achieved your resolution to be a better parent in this year. It is doable and it is a great goal.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 88
- Not yet rated
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After the Honeymoon After the Honeymoon
- From: Engaged
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Description:
Q: My fiance and I recently got engaged and love the excitement of it. How should we prepare ourselves for after the honeymoon?
A: One of the best things you can do once engaged it take part in high quality, premarital education services. These are widely available, most often through religious organizations where people are getting married. Not all provide such services, and not all take it seriously. If you are getting married in a religious organization, check out what they require and what they provide in the way of premarital education. If the religious organization where you are getting married does not provide such services, you can check into other (usually the larger one) religious organizations in your community that may have regular classes for marriage preparation that others can attend. If you are not associated with, or getting married with, an organization that have such services available and you are not interested in seeking the possibility of such services in some religious organization, there are other options. You can check into various kinds of marriage/relationship education services that are available in many communities. They are more widely available than they used to be. Some websites can also help you locate people who provide such services (like this website, or websites for state marriage iniatiatives, or websites such as the one me and my colleagues started: www.PREPinc.com). If you cannot find such services in any place in your community, another option is to ask local counselors who specialize in working with couples if they do private, premarital education. If you go this route, carefully check the person out, asking if they actually have done this and have a clear idea of what to do to help couples prepare for marriage.
Nearly one half of all couples who get married for the first time now receive some type of premarital education. There is pretty good evidence that such services really can help. At the least, you show each other than you are willing to invest in your marriage. It can also be fun.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 119
- Not yet rated
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Will he change? Will he change?
- From: Dating
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Description:
Q: My boyfriend does little things that drive me crazy. Will he change or will I just get used to it?
A: Maybe both. You are asking the right question. I can't tell you what you should do or what will happen, but I can tell you what the possibilities are. First off, if it's something he does that really does drive you crazy - I mean really bugs you - and you don't think it's something he can or is willing to change, you maybe should move on. On the other hand, in successful, life-long, great marriages, part of what happens is that people grow to accept things about each other that are irritating. The acceptance is based on a deeper love and commitment, and that deeper love drives the ability to not have things perfect in the relationship. Sometimes, it's worth dating longer to see if you can grow used to something that annoys you now, to see if you can come to accept it.
There is one other option, but I think it's tricky. You can ask your boyfriend to try to change the little behaviors that drive you crazy. For example, let's say he has a habit that you find kind of repulsive like picking his nose a lot and in public, but otherwise, he's a great guy. This is something that you could be reasonably picky about, since it can be kind of embarrassing, socially. For some people, it's pretty hard to break this kind of habit but almost everyone would agree it's a habit worth breaking. In some ways, this gives you a test of how committed to you he is. If you ask for something to change like this - when it's so reasonable - and he just blows you off and shows no interest in changing, that tells you something. He's not willing to make changes in small things to please you. I'd consider that a warning sign.
One more example. Let's say his annoying little habit is that he likes to clip his toenails while watching reruns of NCIS. This might just depend on how often he does this, but let's say you are one of those people who just finds it hard to be near someone clipping nails. We're not talking public embarrassment nor are we talking about something that most people would agree is kind of disgusting. It's just a habit he has that annoy the heck out of you. Then the test for future compatibility flips (or should) in my mind. Now the test is on you. Can you become comfortable with his habit or not? It's an important question because a life together contains many such habits where each partner needs to learn to let go of annoyance and control (or at least to manage it in some way that does not damage the relationship).
Here's the wisdom point in all of this. Assuming we're talking about a relationship with lifelong potential, what one needs to accept for deeper happiness in life is that you cannot get everything on your list checked off just right in what you want in a mate. That does not happen. This is why knowing what's most important on your list is pretty important. That tells you what other things on your list are things you should at least think about settling into accepting. Deeper love and commitment is the name of that game.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 119
- Not yet rated
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Why does marriage matter? Why does marriage matter?
- From: Exclusive
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Description:
Q: Why does marriage matter? Is it just a thing for women? I'm a man and my friends (who are married) think I'm very smart for staying single. I'm in a serious relationship but I like it just the way it is.
A: There are many men who like being single. And there are no doubt many married men who wish they still were single. You seem to know some of them. For starters, let's talk about your situation and than marriage more generally. First, no one should marry just to be married. You are clearly not ready for marriage and are only sure you're ready to be exclusive with your partner. But is marriage just for women? Actually not. There is an interesting paradox here. ON AVERAGE (research is always about averages), men actually value and believe more strongly in marriage than women. This is consistent in many surveys, with roughly about 10% more men than women saying marriage is important (for example, if 50% of women say marriage is really important, something more like 60% of men will say so). In data from the National Survey of Family Growth, men report thinking marriage is important by almost 15 percentage points higher than women. Obviously, there are scads of exceptions, but generally, this is the way the survey data run.
Yet the general perception in the culture is reflected in exactly what you express: that women push a bit harder for marriage and men resist it. What explains this? I think men often see marriage as beneficial, but here's the kicker. Men are also more likely to associate needing to change who they are or how they behave when they marry. I don't see evidence in studies (or hear this in women) that women think this way, that they have to change once they get married. So, men value marriage more than women but also resist marriage more than women (on average - never forget that when talking to a researcher) because they tend to want to put off the changes in responsibility that come with marriage as long as possible. Further, men tend to think they should wait until it's very clear that they have found the perfect woman - their soul mate (women believe this too, but the difference may be that there seem to be more men than women who are okay with keeping one partner in their life while they are secretly hoping for a better deal to come along).
Men tend to do a lot better in life if they are married - of course, especially if they pick a wife somewhat carefully. There are some men, though, who are happy, life-long bachelors. Maybe that is around 7% or so, but that is the exception, not the rule. Now, back to you and your question. You are probably being smart for staying single right now because you do not say anything that leads me to think that you believe that your present partner is "the one." Or, at least, you are not sure yet. In that case, you should not be moving toward marriage, yet. But once you are pretty sure you have found a woman you want to stay in your life for life, then I'd say it's time to cozy up to the idea of marriage. Some women might wait for a long time with a man not moving toward marriage, but with popular books like He's Just Not That Into You selling so well, I think some women are figuring out they may be waiting for something that will not ever happen with that man and that they need to move on. At some point, if you think you’ve found the one, what marriage allows you to do is to make it clear to yourselves and the world that you want to build a life together. That's when marriage becomes really valuable.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 217
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How do you want to be remember How do you want to be remembered by your kids and/or your partner?
- From: dhub
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Description:
I remember the first date my wife and I went on. My hair looked better than it does now, my stomach was smaller, and my appearance was sharper. I’m writing this almost 8 years later with less hair, more weight, and cheaper clothes, but I can honestly say that I’m happier now, than I ever was before I met her. The question is, “Why am I happier now?”
I think that a major part of this happiness stems from a rule we learned to live by early on in our marriage which was this: Make memories! That’s it. I know it seems too simplistic, and maybe it wouldn’t work for other relationships, but one goal we have always had is to be able to look back and say things such as, “Remember that fun trip we took?” or “Remember when we took that Sunday walk?” or “Remember when we laughed until we cried playing that dumb video game?”
Again, I’m not suggesting that getting nice cars, buying new homes, or purchasing new furniture has no rewards. I am, however, suggesting that these items we buy may be less inclined to provide positive memorable moments for you and your kids. I was visiting with my Mom the other day on the phone, and she talked about a time when I was a teenager when we went an entire month without a refrigerator in the house. An entire month! Here’s the kicker! I actually had to search my memories for a few hours to even recall this incident.
So next time, when you have a little money to spend, you may want to ask yourself if this purchase is something that will make positive memories for the family. I doubt you get choked up talking to your parents about that new linoleum they had installed when you were 5 years old, and I also struggle to believe you’ll hear your own kids say something like this, “Remember when we got that new couch? That was so much fun!”
Maybe it’s time to let that faded love seat last another year, so that memories of a new board game with your family can be created sitting on it, or maybe it’s okay that the radio dial stays broken in the car. Use the 200 bucks for gas money as you, your partner, and the kids have to entertain each other with the alphabet game for the entire road trip to grandma’s house.
Sure we could buy new clothes, a fancier house, and a newer car, but I must say, I’m quite happy with the memories I’ve made with the old stuff.
Besides, it’s not like I’m becoming a younger and newer model myself.
dan
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 167
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Live Chats Live Chats
- From: Married
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Q: Where can I view previous live chat recordings?
A: Please visit our Live Chat Archive page to check our previous Live Chat videos.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 138
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January Live Chat January Live Chat
- From: Married
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Description:
Q: When is the next TwoOfUs.org Live Chat?
A: Join us on Wednesday, January 13 at 7:00 p.m. EST for our next Live Chat featuring marriage expert, Scott Stanley of the University of Denver. Dr. Stanley will be on hand for one hour to answer all of your marriage and relationship questions.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 919
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“If he/she says that, then I’m “If he/she says that, then I’m gonna lose it!”
- From: dhub
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Description:
In computer lingo there are “If, then” rules that set up software commands and functions to run programs. For example, and this is very simplified, if I type the letter “I”, then the letter “I” appears in this blog.
Have you ever made an “If, then” emotional rule for your partner that you probably should have deleted? For example, you pick up the living room floor and notice a few more items (for instance a shoe not put up) that belonged to your “sweetie”. You get agitated. You then say to yourself, “If he/she leaves that shoe out again, then I will be angry!”
Tomorrow comes! Guess where that shoe is! Oh, and that anger came just as you planned! Next thing you know, your partner is saying, “What’s your problem!?!”, and you are quite willing to share, but not in a positive tone. Remember, your emotional rule called for anger.
Dr. James J. Gross and colleagues have written various articles describing more effective ways to regulate these emotions we feel (For example see Gross & John, 2003). In other words, these researchers have described ways to keep from freaking out when someone “makes” us angry. In one article Gross and colleagues (Gross, Richards, & John, 2006) suggest that reappraisal (in essence taking a different point of view on a situation that gets us agitated) may help us to deal with emotions in a healthier way.
To put it in terms I understand: By changing some of these “If, then” rules, I feel we can learn to not get so upset at loved ones in these unpredictable lives we all live.
During this New Year, I’ll set some fun goals such as shedding some extra pounds and getting financially sound, but how many of us set goals for emotions as a couple, as a family, or as an individual? This year, I plan to have a few new “If, then” rules that give my spouse, friends, family members and strangers a break from my old rigid emotional rules. Here are a few I will set. Feel free to add to this list. I appreciate your ideas.
Thanks in advance, and Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dan
Emotional “If, then” Rules
1) If my partner says something mean, then I will tell her I love her, and I’m sorry if I upset her.
2) If my partner leaves a toothbrush on the sink, then I will not take it as a personal attack, and just understand that she was probably a little stressed that morning and needed my help.
3) If my family says something hurtful, then I will give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume the best.
4) If my Basset Hound doesn’t come back from the yard when I call him, then I will assume his nose has caught a scent more interesting than this boring house. (I’ll then lure him in with a treat.)
5) If someone cuts my car off in traffic, then I will assume they are on their way to the ER and say a prayer for the family.
Please reply and add a few rules. I think we could all use each other’s help here.
References
Gross, J.J., Richards, J.M., & John, O.P. (2006). Emotion regulation in everyday life. In D.K. Snyder, J.A. Simpson, & J.N. Hughes (Eds.), Emotion regulation in families: Pathways to dysfunction and health (pp. 13-35). Washington DC: APA.
Gross, J.J., & John, O.P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85, 348-362.
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
- Views: 263
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Doing it Dave's way Doing it Dave's way
- From: AlwaysUs
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Description:
I'm sure by now everyone has heard of Dave Ramsey. Last year for Christmas my husband received Dave Ramsey's book "Financial Peace". Within the first month of reading his book Brandon had me on a very strict budget. I must say at times I would get so frustrated being on this budget because I no longer had the freedom to spend my money on whatever I wanted (not needed). I never realized how much money I was spending on things that didn't matter at all. So now here we are, one year later and the debt snowball is gone! I am proud to say that we are now debt free!!!
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to free themselves of debt. It takes a lot of discipline but the contentment in the end is worth it! - Blog post
- 3 months ago
- Views: 127
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A New Holiday List A New Holiday List
- From: dhub
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Description:
If you run a Google™ search entering the question, “What causes stress in marriage?” you’ll find web page upon web page discussing “Top 5” or “Top 10” lists of sources for marital problems, conflicts and distress. These lists usually include, in no particular order, money, the children, sex and/or the in-laws.
Am I the only one that finds it disheartening to realize that during this time of year we will usually face the majority of these stressors at the same time? Let’s face it, the kids are coming home for the break, the in-laws are coming in from out-of-town and money is in high demand and short supply. It’s no mystery why we may find ourselves with a short fuse around others. However, I’ve also discovered that these very issues on the list are also my most important sources of laughter, love, and comfort.
Perhaps it is during this time of year that we need to take a step back and make our own lists titled “Sources of Fun”, “Sources of Joy”, “Sources of Comfort”, and “Sources of Humor”. Only YOU can decide what is most important for YOU.
For our family, I like to list sources of laughter. The following list may only seem funny to me and my wife, but that’s fine because sometimes it helps just to make a list for you and your partner to read as a reminder that there are sources of fun in life.
“The Hubler Family’s Sources of Laughter”
1) Our Dogs: We own two dogs, a border-collie mix named Hank and a basset-hound named Harley. Harley the basset gets so excited when I start to prepare his evening meal that it is probably one of the funnies things I have ever witnessed. One moment a gentle pile of wrinkles is curled up on the couch, then when the food bowl is heard, Harley becomes superman as he jumps and barks escorting me to his kennel to eat.
2) Funny Television shows and Movies: My wife and I love comedies and we find ourselves quoting funny lines to each other on a daily basis.
3) Stand-Up Comedy Albums: Life is truly so funny to us and we love having comedians like Mitch Hedberg, Ray Romano or Bill Cosby point out the funny things in life.
4) Inside Jokes: My wife and I have a ton of them.
5) YouTube™: There are tons of humorous and clean clips of TV shows, people making fools of themselves, or funny music videos that help lighten my day. Here’s one of my favorites.
I could list many more, but I think I have made my point. Sometimes as couples we need to learn to find the joy in life and quite often that means laughing so hard that we start to cry. At other times it means counting how many things we are truly fortunate to have.
So when the holidays get you stressed, perhaps you and your partner can take 10 minutes and talk about something funny that happened at work, watch an online video clip from your favorite comedy, or just watch for something funny that your children did when you were supposedly “not watching”. I’m not saying the lists of stressors in a family are to be ignored, but I am saying that you have the power to make your own list this year.
Happy Holidays!
dan
- Blog post
- 3 months ago
- Views: 175